What do I do?

Its been over a year since I last posted something on here, and I feel disheartened. I felt like I could speak more freely than I wrote and I was right. But writing is pretty.  I felt so many things over the course of 2023, and still failed to feel anything significant. Sometimes I feel like I protect myself too much, I'm in a different place now, so new, so unfamiliar that it should scare me but I'm undaunted. And that is scary. 

I want to feel safe. I want a sense of belonging and for the longest time, I thought I had it. Now I'm suspended in my own reality not knowing where my forward really is. I am a walking conflict and I wish my words could do me justice. I am relieved but I also feel like a void. I feel concluded yet there's the anxiety creeping into my veins, telling me not to let my guard down. But I'm open to everyone and I don't want to shut myself in. I can't tell if I was in a state of equilibrium or just plain numb, incapable of feeling anything. I let myself go for a bit and there was so much more that I felt in those moments and it felt so freeing, like the shackles I kept myself tied down with, broke free. It's never been a question in the past. I like to define things, make sure there's always a line, even if it's a thin one. Keeps life easier for the most part. There's always black and white but at this point in time and space, I'm living grey and I hate it. I'm too tired to get out there and draw those lines again so I use the grey to fuel my craft and I feel like I'm losing a sense of myself because the grey is bleeding out into the colour that I try to keep filling into the world.

Who am I? Why am I? What is my purpose? I feel like I need to re-answer these questions now because it's been so different for the past few years. I lived for you, I made choices to stay close to you and now that you've made your choice, I'm left here with an obsolete motivation. Are you to blame for me? Not really. I've been here as much as you have. Your choices, first, leading to my choices in response and I feel like I don't have that anymore. What do I do? Do I stick to my old ways, always the second chooser? Do I embrace the grey and make it a part of my identity? Do I not acknowledge what I'm feeling and pretend to just move on like nothing's ever changed? It's not healthy but at least being oblivious saves me the trouble.  And the last thing I want right now, is to be troubled.

I know what I want but not what I need. My needs have always come second. My wants are therefore, optional. Is this what I'm meant to be? Am I ill fated and never destined to be taken care of? I love myself but there's not much that I do to prove it. Because I conformed my love to what I got in return and maybe that's where I got it all wrong. I feel like such a hypocrite because I've said it so many times before that we deserve to be filled the same way we pour yet I always pour more than I'm filled. I upset the balance to everything and then I complain about things being out of order. It's incredibly selfish because my generosity and my habit to rescue everything makes me feel good about myself. Because I couldn't save myself. 

I wish I could get away with passing the blame. Keep my shoulders light and not have to worry about anything. I also wish I wasn't so aware of everything. I wish I could reset. I wish I could just be a baby with no understanding of life and just say things for what they were. I wish I could tell you how much I loved you without worrying about what you'd say to me or that I hated some things about you and not care about what you thought of it. I want things to be simple. I want to be able to do so much more without worrying so much. But the world won't change for me, I guess it's time to change again. I guess that's my answer for now. Until I hit another dead end in my life and am faced with the question, What do I do?

Thanks for reading. Toodles :)