Hell.

It’s fucking ridiculous how much I let a single person affect me. I feel so terrible because I ignored myself in this process. Against my better judgement, I let myself sway to a place where I knew I wouldn’t be happy. I can’t even blame external factors because at the end of the day, the choice was mine. And I chose to let go of my spine. I lost faith in myself because I was tired. Still am. Doesn’t make it any better. This helpless feeling is so infuriating because it doesn’t get any better and that goes against everything that I preach. It’s so unbelievable at times because I’d think that being nice is the way to be; that that’s what makes me desirable but no it does not. Nobody cares about me being nice, they just use me and walk away. I give them validation, I give them the assurance that they’re good enough and that’s all that they need. And everything that they did was always excused because of this one excusable factor that even I used to hide what I truly felt so I can’t even call them out. In the end, I’m all alone while they count stars under a moonlit sky with someone who could never be me. Maybe that’s what the problem is, me. After all, not everyone can be wrong, right? So it’s my me, my face and everything else that I do that’s just wrong and that needs to change. I need to make an effort to do less, to stop being generous, to stop believing in this nice guys bullshit because I’m so done now. I feel pain, the kind that makes me wanna rip my heart out of my chest and throw it out of my sight. I want to acknowledge the chaos in me. I want my anger to be known to the world, enough hiding. I want people to know not to mess with me because that would have consequences. I want to be free. I want to set myself on fire and purge this old useless version of me; emerge from the ashes, devoid of empathy, devoid of anything that weakens me. People who know and love me will stick around. Those who don’t, clearly never deserved my company. It’s just a matter of seeing things for what they are. I’m in hell because of my choices, and I’d like to share that hell with you because that’s who I truly am.