2021 taught me to...

    Wow. This year is coming to an end. I have no idea where time flew by. I've gone through the months at various paces. Sometimes I wasn't even there, if you catch my drift. I drifted with the flow as it took me in its chaotic embrace. Allow me to take you through it and tell you exactly what it taught me.

    I started the year on a very weird note. A piece of my past sort of came back into my life. And I wavered in the feeling it came with. I painted a very rosy picture with the paints of my could'ves and should'ves and I shouldn't've. That painting burned itself to the ground and it made me realise that I needed to let go of the past. I forgave myself and moved on. 

    I spent the next couple of months reeling in the feeling of this, for the lack of better words, "loss". Although I had lost very many years ago, the saviour complex in me chose to believe otherwise. Some would call me a hopeless romantic, an extreme optimist or better yet, a purposeful rebel. Regardless, this harsh reminder of there being no purpose is what kept me in thought for these months. I became dull, but I kept going because my life is a show and you know what they say about those.

    Then came a turning point, a ray of hope so to speak. The spark within me was reignited and I saw beyond my timed existence. I saw a tomorrow for myself which far outlived my determined outcome. I felt, not alone, but in sync and that's the thing about love, it makes things blurry. Don't get me wrong, I live for the haze. I thrive in it. But the resulting vulnerability made me weak. I started looking forward to a person that wasn't me. My dependency on this feeling grew and with it declined my sense of self. It was only a matter of time that all these realisations would hit me in the face rather than dawn upon me. I watched myself go from euphoric to pathetic in a matter of hours. I was given a taste of what it would be like to have everything that I've ever wanted and I had my taste buds burnt all in the time it would've taken me to digest the meal of emotions that was so graciously served to me by my own creation.

    I was left distraught. Questioning every ounce of my existence, trying to dig out the fatal flaw in me that made me so undesirable. With this innate habit of self doubt, I tried drowning myself in the tempest of questions that was brewing in my mind and so, I broke. No, not into tears. I actually broke. I lost my way. I didn't have it in me to keep the show going. I tried and I tried but to no avail. It was only when I ran away from it all, that I gained perspective. A knowledge so profound that I'd even call it God-sent.

    Armed with this new vision, I returned to my world. A broken one but with the infinite potential to rebuild everything stronger than ever. I began my new journey with such infectious enthusiasm only to have it crushed yet again. With each birth comes the painful reminder that death is imminent. I couldn't really fathom it. I've lost seemingly countless lives over the past few years but no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, it will always consume you with grief along with regret, rage and many other emotions.

    I could go on and on with my sob story, the details of which are not desirable and leave not much room to breathe if communication were the goal. So, we move. Rather I moved. I gave myself the fresh start that I deserved by working on the one thing that mattered the most. Myself.

    "Be the change that you want to see in the world", they said and they weren't wrong. You cannot alter the reality of this world but you can make a choice. You can decide whether you let your past and your imminent future break you OR you build yourself up so mighty that come what may, it'll phase you at best.

    I did just the latter. I revamped my being. Pushed past my limits of what I thought was possible and the results were effective immediately. What once seemed impossible, now was within my grasp. 

    What helped in this process was the people that I met, the bonds that I formed. The new ones and the existing ones that grew stronger than ever. It was surreal yet so real. I overcame my fears.

    The last months of this year saw me smile, blush and rekindle the child in me that was in hiding for way too long. A side of me that I felt was lost to time. Affinity. True, pure, unconditional and unbound for which, I am grateful.

 This, was my creation, as it was intended. 

This year was like all other years gone and yet, it was not. All because I learnt to see differently. I learnt to let go of my past, of all the things that held me back and pulled me down. I learnt to grow. I learnt that I had so much more to give the world than I ever gave myself credit for. I learnt to accept. Accept that not all things go according to plan and that that's okay. I learnt to get right back up every time I fell. It'll hurt for some time but that's how all wounds are. I learnt to give time. To myself and to the things that seem to never work out. 

    And finally, 2021 taught me to love. I learnt to love. The people around me, my friends, my family and everything that the ever-expanding universe encompasses, deserves to know and feel what it is like to be loved. You never know what tomorrow holds in store and best believe, you do not want to live with the regrets of the could'ves and should'ves. Love unconditionally, for it shall stand the test of time. It shall wither not with the tempest of the dark. And lest you forget, you cannot bestow love, if you love yourself not.