"'URGH!' would be the exact depiction of what I feel right now. Funny how when I need my words the most, they fail me. I've let this sink in, and yet somehow, it doesn't add up. None of it adds up. Its like there are two simultaneous inputs coming in through to my brain and both of them are telling me to do the exact opposite things. And in that process, I am left with the feeling of nothingness."
Alright, enough with the primitive gibberish, you came here for the refined talk.
'Eternally indebted.' I am eternally indebted to you. What does this mean? Quite literally, it implies that my debt to you is bound to last for forever. Which should also mean, that no matter how hard I try to pay my debt, I shall always find myself in more. Right? But if I accept this at face value, I can conveniently stop trying to repay my debt because at the end of the day, I will always be in debt, isn't it? Isn't that how the system works? That we find ourselves on the receiving end of a gracious sum, fail to pay back what we owe, acknowledge that we're 'eternally indebted' and escape the process of an attempted repayment because we'll never be able to repay the amount. Just like that, I break out of a crippling debt.
'I'm not good enough, you're meant for something better.' Sometimes I don't know how to push things away without making them look bad. They're not inherently flawed, yet somehow they rub me off the wrong way. It puts me in a tough spot. So what do I do? I take the blame, I accept that I am the glitch in the matrix. I give you the credit that you deserve and I make a choice on your behalf. I control your destiny. "Make happen! Something better for this human", I utter the magical words and just like that I have walked away.
'I deeply apologise for having done you wrong, but I have done you wrong don't get me wrong, but I deeply apologise.' Did I tell you that I am self-aware? That I know of every single thing that goes on in my mind? That I know I'm about to do something wrong but I will do it anyway? That I have a million justifications for the wrong that I will do, just so that it would look right from where I stand? That I will point out flaws in you, that don't even exist? That I will believe what I find convenient to believe for it best fits my narrative and makes me look brave? Yep, that's me. And sorry if I was frantically waving my sword bearing arms around while you were listening to me in close proximity. What's that? Are you bleeding out? "Oh, I didn't mean to, I deeply apologise." and just like that I get away with murder.
'I know everything that you are going to say, so don't say it.' This is one of my personal favourites. It's the best weapon to have in your arsenal. Like a cherry on your cake. Use this at the end of any informal message and it immediately terminates the scope for further conversation. Let me explain. When I say that I possess the knowledge of anticipation, I make the person on the other end feel flustered. At this point, they start questioning everything that they had prepared as a response. They lose the element of surprise or whatever else they had planned. Its like being in a game of chess wherein you're pitted against a computer that far outmatches your mental prowess. In which case, you stop actively trying to win because you know that the computer has decided the outcome as a checkmate in its favour. Its smart, I won the war before even a battle could commence. Just like that, I win.
It makes me wonder how much more I can get away with before I'm too far gone. I've had everything practically walk to me by virtue of my existence which is what makes walking away so easy. I know I've to choose between keeping it or losing it but I'd rather deal with the repercussions of losing it than make an honest attempt of keeping it. I know I have my way with words and when push comes to shove and I've to pick between fight or flight, I'll pick the latter just like that.
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