I am tired. I have been running for a long time now and am soon to run out. So here's something I'd like to say. I am thankful to everyone who has been, is or will be a part of my journey. It's a short one but hey if you know me, you know I'll make it a journey to remember. Now, coming to the main part. I've had my encounters with Lady Love and often times they haven't ended well. Who's to say, Lady Luck could be a touch bit jealous so she walks away every time Lady Love is around. Needless to say, I've never really figured out a way to keep both the ladies smiling and that hasn't grown so well on me. I'm helpless. It's just the one. Him or her. And throughout the years I've had a fair share of hims and fair share of hers. Hookups, Dating, Flings, you name it. And as I turn 23, I realised that some of these relationships, truly changed me. It isn't easy to admit this but I have to give to credit where it is due. I'll go in order, for the sake of consistency and maintaining chronology.
Which brings me to you, the best friend. You re-shaped what love was for me because not only did I admire you for who you were, I didn't expect to abide by the age old cliche of 'falling for your best friend'. You were the one person in my life even back then with whom I was comfortable sharing most of everything that was happening in my life including the fact that I liked you. You took it like a sport and I, didn't expect you to do anything about it because you were already in love with someone else. What I thought would be the most awkward friendship ever, you never let it seem that way. You knew how I felt for you and you still never once made me feel unwanted. And as much as that grew my love for you, it also made me respect you to a whole another level. Unfortunately for you, things didn't work out so well and somehow we ended up getting close. I have to say this, it was all about me falling head over heels for you. After all those months of watching you cry to your misery, I thought that if I could make you smile and just make you feel that little bit happier with each passing day, maybe I should take that up as my duty and so, I asked you out. You never gave me a definitive answer even after you admitted that you did like me and I don't blame you for that. You were in a tough spot because for you, He was your first love and the second or the third is never gonna be the same, innit? Fair. Through those months after you and I spaced out and fell out to make things worse, I plummeted. It wasn't easy but somehow for namesake's we managed to get back on talking terms. Until a year later when just somehow, we ended up in each other's arms. Again. And this time, I just wanted an answer. I had gotten tired of being on the sidelines while you sorted your confusion out. So I got a little impatient and that's where I screwed this one up. Well, let's share it and say we both screwed it up.
I have had my chances and I will still take mine. I can't promise you of a tomorrow but today will be the best I've ever got for you. So take your time, I'll be waiting. I've got nothing better to do.
Lets start with you, the first girl. You introduced me to it all. We didn't start off on a good note, all thanks to me asking you out in 7 days no doubt. And as we got to know each other better, I realised what love was. A very crude version, but it was beautiful nonetheless. You helped me grow, not just taller than you but out of that shell. The shell that the world had put me in, one that I thought I could never break out of. You eased it for me to a point where I mastered it and maybe somewhere somehow, I got cocky. Pushing the blame on you for everything isn't right. Yes, there were many a times when you were unreasonable and my self-centred teen self didn't see the big picture. We did make a comeback only to be driven apart by the same insecurities that broke us in the first place. And by the time we did try to fix things, deep down, somewhere within I had moved on. It wasn't easy though, getting over you. After all, you were the first one and all I knew about love was you. You set a standard, and yes, call it wishful thinking, but a part of me does wish that we should've never fallen apart. Well, reality as it stands is quite the bitch and I'm glad we went our separate ways for only we know how explosive us would've gotten.
(Edited) Now this part is what surprised me and I never really thought this would ever happen. I am retconning a part of my past. GASP! That’s my flair for the dramatic. Let me be serious for a bit. Sometimes you think you’ve found what seems like a true love but it’s not. And this doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad. For the sake of consistency, I will refer to the best friend as, “the original second love” and the third love, the devil, “the new second love”. It sounds stupid but I must make amends. I still cherish every memory I have but its not something that I should’ve prematurely declared as a love because according to the theory, you, the original second love was supposed to teach me everything that’s wrong with love and you never did that. We were just best friends who messed things up for a quick bit and then got back to the way we were.
Speaking of screw ups, my (new) second love I wanna address you, the devil of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I have a serious thing for the devil. And you were nothing short of that. You made your entry when I least expected someone to come by knocking at my door. After the not-so-happy-happy ending with the best friend, I decided to focus on what was going on around me instead going around looking for the love I always thought I didn't have. I made new friends and I was happy with them until I realise that something was bothering you. Something that was me, something that we shared in those nights sitting in the living room watching the nights turn to days and all those smokes and all those promises and all those talks that we shared, we connected over. I was there too. You saw in me what I saw in you and that spoke to the kind of love that ours was. I told you this once that the reason that I did what I did was because you were worth it. That for me, still hasn't changed and although it did hurt me, literally and metaphorically when you left, I realised something. I realised that you were special to me in ways that I could spend the rest of my days reading out to you. Or I could wait for you or wait for a day when you and I, we meet again. When our paths cross and we do what we do best, be there for each other, where you be my purpose and I just be whatever you need me to be.
But that’s where I was wrong. I didn’t know better than to dismiss my life’s choices in a flash, hiding it behind the guise of ‘I know it all’. Boy, have I been humbled. In the good moments we had, it was amazing. I must admit, for the longest time, I thought you were the one. But the moments that weren’t amazing are the ones I always chose to ignore because I was biased. You actually did teach me what love isn’t supposed to be. It’s not supposed to have the downs that we did. The conditions that we went through. Am I thankful for the journey? Absolutely, always will be. But that comes at the cost of the realization that this wasn’t forever. This just was. And you were the second love I will always be grateful for.
So now I actually get to address the third love, the one I never thought I’d end up with. The one who wasn’t really my type. The one who knew how to match my crazy or in the very least, handle it. The one who was always a silent spectator to the mess that I had become and chose to stay that way until things changed. In a far away place, where every unknown was a possibility, I limited myself within a cocoon of my shallow thoughts and then I learnt something new. I learnt to love myself in a way that I never did. And it was with this realization that you were drawn to me. I finally realized that I was ready for something that didn’t need me to think let alone overthink things. You, my sweet little butterfly.
Lesson learnt. Never assume. Anything. Life finds ways to humble you.
Thanks for reading!
Stay tuned.
Toodles :)
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