Losing you

The worst part about losing you was not losing what we had. It was everything else that was gone the moment you walked out of my life, out of that door that I had so carefully chosen to open up for you and maybe you did the same. You opened up. That was the fault, shouldn't have. The vulnerability wasn't evident but it was right there, waiting to eat us up. In time, it would have in bits and pieces but at-least the preparedness of two individuals would have saved whatever was left in me. It seems more like a pattern, a loop, if you will and I thought I had broken free. I can't help but question every single memory of every single word that was spoken. Habits, fault by default. Maybe now the answer is clear, maybe now those questions don't seem like questions because you came prepared and I did not. I still am riddled by how A went to Z and we came to be, rather not. Where did I lose you? How did you get to walk away unscathed and I was left back here, scarred knowing not whether to feel the pain or cry or swallow the tears and wait to be saved. Easy for you, not for me, I'd say this maybe not. You became for me what you thought you wouldn't and all that while I hoped not. Let's not make this all about me though, let me try and see what you saw in me or without. You did love me and then you didn't. You saw my love as unfair to you as I did yours, on different pages in different books. Maybe that's why the guilt that you so choose to avoid is the guilt that comes back to you. Why couldn't something so good last the way it was? Wasn't that our deal? I was happy, I truly was. I still see no remorse in the way things were and maybe that's why I hope, not for you to come back but for us to meet again. I know you were the right one and I think you do too. But that's just what it is, right? I think and that's the best I can do. Maybe at a later point in time, maybe our paths cross, maybe we see this through, for I in the truest sense, do miss you. Until that point, toodles :)