Every once in a while, I have this urge to confess what I very truly feel. It may not be the ideal thing to do but I have to do it. Read and judge, or don't. That is entirely upto you, the reader.
I was happy. WAS. True, I show a happy face every now and then but those of you who know me well or have read this blog know that I'm not who I show I am. I'll not show you even 1% of what I'm feeling until I absolutely feel the need to do so. Some may find this pretty shaking, because you can't truly trust a person you don't really know. However I can assure you, I am still trustworthy. I just don't like to burden people with my sad rants or my life problems. Don't blame me for it, I just like to suffer alone. Counter argument : 'So why should we tell you anything? You should let us suffer alone as well.'
Be it hypocrisy, I can't stand letting a friend go through something bad on their own.
But that's not why I'm here. That's not why I'm typing out a foot long post. I want to tell everyone how terrible I feel about losing things. Losing things I almost had and not knowing why. Why did I fail? What caused everything to slip away? Was it me? More likely than not, it was. It has to be. I was so happy for a while. I thought I had everything and maybe I did. Maybe life had different plans for me. I'd never know but can I tell you how terrible it feels to lose friends? to lose a pet? to lose someone you love? to lose every bit of motivation you have? to die from within? It feels f*cking terrible. I still remember every bit of it like it was yesterday. Every single time the memory of that time strikes me, I feel pain. I've felt so much pain now that you'd say I've become numb. But it never is truly possible for ordinary humans to feel numb. The pain surges through my veins and although the heart has biologically one purpose; to pump blood, I feel pain. Yes, heart aches are a real thing if you want them to be. I can't cry. I'm all out of tears now. If you've been through this sort of pain, you know what I'm talking about. You know how it feels. And to those of you who'd say, 'F*ck you Amol, stop being a pussy. You aren't different. The world doesn't revolve around you. Everyone is hurting. Nobody complains about it', yeah, that's true but to me, my pain is the greatest. To each their pain the greatest. I can't take anymore of all this. I don't want anyone. I don't want anything. I just want to run away and never come back. I won't want anyone to find me and that's probably what I'll do.
I've given up on people. The clarity I seek is a part of an endless chase. It is the light at the end of an endless tunnel. That's all I have to say for now. That is all I feel.
I was happy. WAS. True, I show a happy face every now and then but those of you who know me well or have read this blog know that I'm not who I show I am. I'll not show you even 1% of what I'm feeling until I absolutely feel the need to do so. Some may find this pretty shaking, because you can't truly trust a person you don't really know. However I can assure you, I am still trustworthy. I just don't like to burden people with my sad rants or my life problems. Don't blame me for it, I just like to suffer alone. Counter argument : 'So why should we tell you anything? You should let us suffer alone as well.'
Be it hypocrisy, I can't stand letting a friend go through something bad on their own.
But that's not why I'm here. That's not why I'm typing out a foot long post. I want to tell everyone how terrible I feel about losing things. Losing things I almost had and not knowing why. Why did I fail? What caused everything to slip away? Was it me? More likely than not, it was. It has to be. I was so happy for a while. I thought I had everything and maybe I did. Maybe life had different plans for me. I'd never know but can I tell you how terrible it feels to lose friends? to lose a pet? to lose someone you love? to lose every bit of motivation you have? to die from within? It feels f*cking terrible. I still remember every bit of it like it was yesterday. Every single time the memory of that time strikes me, I feel pain. I've felt so much pain now that you'd say I've become numb. But it never is truly possible for ordinary humans to feel numb. The pain surges through my veins and although the heart has biologically one purpose; to pump blood, I feel pain. Yes, heart aches are a real thing if you want them to be. I can't cry. I'm all out of tears now. If you've been through this sort of pain, you know what I'm talking about. You know how it feels. And to those of you who'd say, 'F*ck you Amol, stop being a pussy. You aren't different. The world doesn't revolve around you. Everyone is hurting. Nobody complains about it', yeah, that's true but to me, my pain is the greatest. To each their pain the greatest. I can't take anymore of all this. I don't want anyone. I don't want anything. I just want to run away and never come back. I won't want anyone to find me and that's probably what I'll do.
I've given up on people. The clarity I seek is a part of an endless chase. It is the light at the end of an endless tunnel. That's all I have to say for now. That is all I feel.
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